Dear Army

Dear Army

Although I know that "army" is not really one person I can simply address, the frustration of this deployment has officially claimed the remaining piece of my sanity. It wasn't much, but as with everything else, it too is now yours.

I am writing you today to ask for the return of my husband, whom I thought I had married, but perhaps I am mistaken. You may or may not know his exact whereabouts but I can tell you where he should be, here. In case you have trouble locating him he is about 5'7", has brown eye, black hair, a permanent tan and wears this funny clown suit looking thing. He responds to "Jeremy" "O'Brien" "Hey you asshole" and my favorite, "JerBear". He may or may not have hair, depending on who yelled at him on the day you go search for him.

I know that you may claim to have a 'need' for him as well but take comfort in knowing that if he is returned he will not be sitting around doing nothing which, now that I think about it, is what he tells me you have him doing. I have a long list of "to do's" with his name on them and I assure you he will be well disciplined and work hard to barely make ends meet for his family. Oh wait, he already does that. Never mind that then!

I would however appreciate his safe return as I think I have already lent him out to you for 6 months and I think that is plenty of time. You claim to have a need for him for yet another 6 months but somehow I think you can live without him since most of the time you don't even know he is there, that is until you have the sudden urge to scream and yell and act as if you are a 2 year old stuck in a hairy man's body.

Over the past 6 months I think I have done more them my fair share in this marriage. Someone may have slipped a little something something in my water on our wedding day but I am pretty sure I didn't marry myself, although I am sure you would try to convince me otherwise. However, I will attempt to now prove to you that I have indeed done my fair share.

Over the past 6 months I have been both husband and wife. I have mowed, raked, weeded, seeded,watered and cursed the lawn. I have picked up poop, branches, trash, broken toys, stuff and several dead prairie dogs out of the back yard. I have cleaned out the closets, the shed and several friends houses, watched their children, spent hours in line at the post office, had multiple hand cramps while witting letters and spent countless nights waiting on phone calls. Although, I can't be sure if it was day or night for me or for you since time is so irrelevant these days, unless its time for one of my many appointments.

Speaking of appointments.. In the past 6 months I have been to my family doctor, the dentist, the pediatrician, the endocrinologist, a diabetes specialist, the optometrist, the podiatrist, a nutritionist, a fertility specialist, the obstetrician, the gynecologist and remarkably have managed to avoid both the use of legal and illegal mind and mood altering drugs nor have I visited any mental health doctors.

However, that is not to say that my mental health is not on the decline. In the past 6 months I have snapped at my parents, my in laws, various members of both sides of the family, neighbors, friends, doctors, army personal, telemarketers, cab drivers, various banks and once the mail man, when he dropped my package in a puddle. Let's not forget who gets the brunt of my discord, my husband (you know, the short brown guy in the clown suit).

That unfortunately is not the only misfortunate thing that has happened.

While my husband has been away doing nothing... er... fighting terrorists.. I was back home dealing with busted water pipes, leaking sewage, our dog's first heat, hundreds of bills, falling down stairs, blood sugars up and blood sugars down, 2 year old temper tantrums, a dog who thinks she needs to be right under my feet ALL the time, therefore being the CAUSE of many of the falls, hurricane strength winds without the hurricane, 4 seasons in one day, and so many other things that I have either lost track of or am subconsciously trying to forgot to avoid a one way ticket to the crazy ward at the local hospital.

So, now that you can see that I have been thru enough, would you send him home? Thanks, I knew you would understand and, if you don't, I will have to come over there myself and then rewrite this note to include you in the list of people I have gone off on.

Much Obliged,
A-not-so-patient-anymore-with-this-deployment-proud-wife,
Elizabeth O'Brien